


The Final Letter

by Ta_Moe



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Complete, M/M, Post Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-29
Updated: 2013-01-29
Packaged: 2017-11-27 11:41:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/661603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ta_Moe/pseuds/Ta_Moe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur's death has long passed and then one day in the 21st century he gets reborn. He meets Gwen and Lancelot and others, but who he can't seem to find is Merlin. Will the letter from Merlin Gwen hands him resolve the mistery about Merlin's dissapearance?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Final Letter

Merlin had waited for centuries. He had seen all of them again from time to time over the years. Only the one person he had desired most to come back hadn't. Arthur still hadn't returned.  
Merlin couldn't take it anymore. The pain was becoming too much, the fear of never seeing him again, the one person he would have given everything for, was not coming back to him.  
So he did. 

Dear Arthur,

when you read this I'll probably be dead. I don't know why or what happened, since I wrote this letter in the year 1826, unsure of what will come in the future. All I hope for is you get this in case something happened to me.   
So this is goodbye. This is my way of leaving something behind to tell you how much I've missed you, how long I've waited for your return, my way of wishing you all the best.  
As you once told me, before you died in my arms, there was something I have never said to you, something I have kept from you all those years we had lived together, something else than my magic.  
I still want to thank you for forgiving me my secret, as I hope you will forgive my deepest and darkest secret as well.  
I loved you, Arthur. I always have and always will, even in my next life, I will always love you.  
I don't know if our paths will cross ever again, maybe never, maybe in another world, I don't know but no matter what happens, don't wait for me.  
Nothing will come of waiting, all there's pain and hurt and sorrow of never knowing when or if the other will ever return. It's too painful to even explain, so please, don't try and find me, don't look for me. I will probably be long gone when this letter reaches you.  
But one thing never forget: you were everything I always hoped you would be and even more.

Sincerely yours, Merlin

Arthur's eyes stung as he read the letter, reread it and tears fell down on the paper, attacking the ink, making it look as if the letters were crying their own blue tears with him.  
“That idiot”, the blond man whispered, swallowing soundly, “That...” A sob. “big big idiot”  
Gwen was watching him and her forehead was furrowed in sorrow. It pained her to see the former head high king like this.  
She wanted to wrap him up in her arms, comfort him, but she was too afraid to touch him, scared to break the thin shell that was left of Arthur's body.  
He had been reborn 25 years ago, she had met him three years ago, the letter she had had ever since Merlin had told her who they once had been. Gwen had been only 16 years old back then. She was in her 50s now.  
She knew where Percival was and she had even met Lancelot briefly, but none of them had stayed in contact, except Gwen and Arthur.  
Not because of what had been in the past, at least not on Arthur's part.  
The memories had only started coming back to him long after he had turned 23, a whole year after meeting Gwen. They had been completed about two weeks ago, and all he had wanted to know was where Merlin was.  
Gwen couldn't tell him. She was too scared of what the former king would do, how much it would actually hurt him, a knowledge far worse than death it seemed.  
“Where is he?”, he had asked, every day, “Why don't you tell me? What are you not telling me?”  
He had become desperate and Gwen couldn't keep quiet any longer, had retrieved the letter, Merlin had once passed on to her in wise foresight and had given it to him in her small cottage far off London, where Arthur had decided to settle down after finishing his studies.

“Merlin”, was all that was falling from Arthur's lips and Gwen knew the letter had probably made it worse, she felt for the blonde. She knew it was as if he was loosing everything all over again.  
Never had she broken the seal and read the letter, but she had a good idea what Merlin would have written to his beloved king. Everyone had seen their way of acting around each other, the secret looks they chanced each other and how everything else became of less importance when one of them had been in danger. Especially on Arthur's side, he had done everything to protect his bumbling servant and now that he had finally come back to be with him and give him back everything Merlin had once done for him in return he couldn't.

Unable to watch the king fall apart, Gwen removed herself from the living room and wandered into the kitchen, boiling some water. She had remained almost stoic while being in the same room as Arthur, but was now slowly falling apart as well. She bent over sobbing in front of the sink, the kettle in her hand shaking, her lips trembling as she slipped to the floor sobbing.  
She could hear the faint cries from the room next door, where Arthur was clutching the old parchment, clinging to it like dear life.

It must have been hours later when Arthur was finally able to leave Gwen's house. They parted in silence, hugging for a peaceful and comforting moment before the blonde made his way back to his car.  
How he wished he had come by train that day. His hands were still shaking and he had to calm himself down in order to keep himself from crashing into the next tree on his way back to London.  
It took him until night had fallen and the clock ticked past midnight to arrive at his flat.  
He opened the door just to find the life gone from those walls that had always seemed so comforting to him. Books about Arthurian legends were stuffed into bookshelves that reached right under the ceiling, pamphlets about 'Merlin tours', posters, DVDs, everything his heart had always desired cramped into his little one-room apartment. How meaningless it all seemed to him now.  
He regretted everything he had never done in the past.  
He regretted never telling Merlin how truly thankful he had been for him being in his life.  
He regretted how many chances he had let slip away.  
To kiss him, to hold him, to tell him how much he loved him. How much he still loved him. That he was everything he had always wanted in his life for himself and that he had been the one thing – the one person he would have given up everything for – even Camelot. He never would have done it because he had also known that Merlin would have never let him.  
Arthur broke down in a tearless cry, sitting down against his front door, rereading the letter again.

He wouldn't go to work for the next two weeks. The museum about British legends and fairy tales had to make do without him for a while.  
Arthur reread the letter twice a day, after getting up in the morning and before going to bed at night.  
Even after he returned to work again, he kept that ritual. He wanted to keep Merlin alive, at least in his heart. His work had become hollow to him and he had lost all joy in telling the tales of King Arthur and his trusted servant and advisor Merlin anymore, nor did he laugh at all the incorrect details of the legends he had to present to school classes.  
His life was empty all of a sudden and Arthur wasn't sure how to go on.  
Months passed and he turned 26. His head was still hung up in his loss of Merlin that he didn't feel like celebrating his birthday, so he didn't. He got up like every other day and went to work.  
His colleagues had made him a cake and he gave him his fake work-smile. He hadn't laughed even once since he had gotten the letter.  
He often wondered what the point of his return was to this world without Merlin.  
It seemed he was living the life of a ghost. He didn't belong here.

In the afternoon of his birthday, Arthur gave the usual tour, no funny remarks about pointy hats and starry capes or long beards. All the kids seemed like a bunch of teenagers who would have only made fun of him or the legends anyway, so he didn't even care. The teacher however was intrigued and came up to Arthur, holding out his hand in an offering gesture.   
“I love all the legends surrounding King Arthur and Merlin”, he was beaming and Arthur couldn't believe his eyes.  
Under those heavy black framed glasses were deep blue eyes sparkling with cheek and enthusiasm Arthur had only seen once in his life – his former life. Black thick hair was curling its way down the teacher's neck and giving a stark contrast to his pale skin.  
“Merlin”, Arthur whispered in a daze, while the pupils were running around the exhibition room.  
“I know”, the man said, grinning, looking at Arthur who had frozen in place, “This is the room about Merlin, I'm not stupid”  
Even his voice was the same and the way he had given a mocking answer.  
Arthur only nodded, unable to stop staring.  
“Uhm... are you alright?”, the teacher asked, looking at Arthur's name tag, “Arthur?”  
The blonde shook his head, blinked once or twice and straightened his back, “Yeah... uhm... sorry... what was your name again?”  
“Jason”, the man said, smiling, “Jason Creek”  
“Oh... right... nice to meet you”  
They finally shook hands and with a sudden crack all the bulbs in the show room crashed and the lights went out. The teenagers screamed, some whistled and others became awfully silent all of a sudden.  
Arthur quickly retrieved his hand and even though he couldn't see anything, he knew Jason Creek was staring at him.   
“What was that?”, the teacher whispered more in anticipation than in shock.  
He sounded almost fascinated.  
“I dunno”, Arthur said furrowing his brows but he could have sworn he had felt something tingly on his skin the second their hands had touched.  
“It's almost like magic”, he added quietly.  
Mr. Creek only chuckled, “I wish” Then he called out for his pupils and tried to calm them down, while Arthur fumbled on his belt for a flash light. How convenient that he always had one with him.  
“Follow me”, Arthur then informed the bundle of teenagers and made his place present via flash light.  
It wasn't as if he had to go far but it was probably the best way to keep them from over reacting.  
“It is still day time, so no worries, it will be light in a moment, just follow me to the next room”  
Everyone did as they were told and indeed, the second Arthur opened the door to the aligned exhibition everyone was at ease again and the teenagers quickly forgot about the incident before.  
“I wonder what that was”, Mr. Creek said raising his brows.  
Arthur shrugged, “I have no idea, maybe something went wrong with the power, I'll get it checked”  
The teacher nodded and gathered his children around him to give them some prep talk.

“I'm so sorry again”, Arthur said after the group had left the museum.  
He had walked up to Mr. Creek, unable to let him go just yet. It was weird how much he reminded him of Merlin and even more confusing was to him the feeling he gave off, as if he was sparkling with magic.  
“That's alright, it wasn't your fault after all. These things do happen”, the dark haired man in a marine blue suit gave the blonde a big smile and held out his hand to shake Arthur's once again.  
Instead of taking it, Arthur placed a note into the offered hand.  
“What's this?”, Mr. Creep asked.  
“My number, I thought I'd treat you to a coffee for the trouble I caused you”  
“Oh, not that's alright”, Mr. Creek said, about to hand the slip of paper back.  
“No, no, really, let me make it up to you, please”, Arthur said and he knew he came off a bit too pleading.  
Afraid of scaring the Merlin look alike away he added quietly, “please... you seem like a good person and I really could need a friend at the moment”  
The teacher stared at him. Silence.  
Was that too much?   
“Sorry, that was out of line. Forget it”, just when Arthur wanted to take the note away, Mr. Creeks fingers wrapped around it and he took hold of it.  
“No, that's... that's fine, really. I'd like to have a drink with you”, he smiled and Arthur's heart ran a marathon.   
This couldn't be a coincidence. But how on earth was it possible that Merlin was still in this world, when Gwen herself had given him the letter, had told him that Merlin was gone.  
“Uhm... well then, see you. I'll call you”, Mr. Creek promised and nodded a bit awkwardly towards Arthur.  
The blonde looked after him as the teacher left with his pupils.  
He saw some of the teenage girls looking back at him, knowing fully well how they saw him. A blonde single handsome man in his twenties. They probably would have sold their soul for his mobile number, but Mr. Creek had been the one to receive it.

 

When he finally called two days had passed. It was a Thursday and Arthur had just come home, taken off his shoes and was about to slip out of his jacket when his mobile rang.  
“Yeah?”, he had answered leisurely, not knowing who it would be.  
“Uhm... Hi, uhm... Mr.... Er... Arthur? This is Jason Creek, we met at the exhibition about-”  
“Oh, yeah, hi”, Arthur quickly interrupted, “How are you? Thank you for calling”  
“Yeah, uhm... I'm great. So, about that drink...”  
Arthur's face felt hot and he knew his palms were sweating, “Yes? I'm free every night from 5pm on wards”  
“Brilliant, then, tomorrow night maybe? I'm off at 4, where can we meet?”

 

Friday couldn't come fast enough and even though Arthur felt bad for making Merlin – no, Mr. Creek drive an hour to a pub close to his place he couldn't help looking forward to their meeting. He had so many questions and hopes it made him unable to sleep.  
He got through the day only half awake but became full of adrenaline the closer 5:30 came.  
They were to meet in a close pub and Arthur knew it was silly to be there twenty minutes too early he couldn't help it. He had taken some time off work before his shift usually ended even to rush home, take a shower, make himself the most presentable he could and then hurried to the meeting place.  
Mr. Creek was a true teacher. Fifteen minutes earlier than expected and was surprised to find Arthur already there.  
“Hi”, the blonde said, walking up to the teacher, extending his hand.  
When he shook it there was a soft tingle under his skin but no explosion of light bulbs this time.  
“Hello”, Mr. Creek said smiling and followed Arthur to the corner he had decided to sit in.  
“Beer?”, the blonde asked.  
“No, driving”, he actually winked at him.  
“Oh, er... right”, Arthur ordered himself a beer and Mr. Creek went with a coke.  
“Really? A coke?”  
The other man shrugged, “One has to stay sober to remember all the important things”  
Arthur stared at him, “Is that so?”  
“Yeah”, and that said he took a nip of his coke.  
Arthur left his drink alone for a moment to look Mr. Creek up and down.  
The man was wearing a pair of blue jeans and a white casual looking bottom down shirt under a black blazer which was open. His hair was the right kind of messy and all Arthur wanted to do was run his hand through it. He gripped his beer hard and took a gulp just to distract himself from Mr. Creek's bopping Adam's apple.   
How much he looked like Merlin and how much he acted like him. His whole demeanour screamed 'Merlin' but Arthur knew it wasn't him. Otherwise he would have known him right away, he was sure about that.  
“Well”, the teacher then broke the silence, “You said you could need a friend? Did something happen? And where are your other friends? I'm sure you have plenty”   
Arthur looked at the old wooden table top, marks of names and numbers were scratched into it.  
“Yeah... well, I do, but, they don't know anything about me”  
“Neither do I”  
“I don't want them to know”, Arthur went on.  
“Oh... I see, you needed someone... other”  
The blonde nodded, “There's this person... we've always been really good friends. We got separated... under quiet... harsh circumstances. There was no way out. It hurt back then and it still does. But after all that time that I've been waiting for them to return I figured it out, I loved them. Then I got a letter stating they were dead. What do you think I should do? Top myself?”  
Mr. Creek was silent. He looked at Arthur with wide but sad eyes then into his glass of dark coke.  
“Don't... love will always come and go, there's no reason to die for it too”  
“He killed himself coz I wasn't there when he needed me, I was too late, I didn't get to him on time”, Arthur continued.  
Mr. Creek's eyes widened even further, “'He'!?”  
“Oh...”, Arthur bit down on his bottom lip, “Yeah, so what?”  
“Uhm... nothing, just... you didn't strike me...”  
“Like that? Gay? That it? Well, I'm not, or maybe I am, or bi, or whatever, but I loved him more than anything in my entire life... so it's weird to say that... anyway, he wasn't just anyone, he wasn't just any love. I'd have died for him, I offered my life for his more than once, he was always coming first for me and … I was always coming first for him”  
“He loved you too then?”  
“Yeah... he wrote me a goodbye letter, in case I were to come back... it's hard to explain... he told me in the letter”, Arthur swallowed hard, clenching his hands into fists.  
“I see”, the teacher said and took another drink, “This is... really something... do you think he would want you to kill yourself?”  
Arthur looked at him, his blue eyes hidden under thick glasses and messy hair, “No” The blonde shook his head, “Never... he never was one to give up... which is why I can't understand and... I don't want to believe that he is dead”  
Their eyes wouldn't leave each other and Arthur was sure that the other man felt something like a connection between them. He must have.   
“I'm still hoping he will one day turn up on my doorstep as if nothing had ever happened”  
Mr. Creek smiled sadly, “I'm sorry for your loss, really, but all I can do is tell you to try and move on. It's no use hanging onto the past”  
Arthur sighed, “I know”  
He had to keep his cool. It was hard to prevent himself from falling into that deep pit of despair again and crying in self pity and misery.  
“I just want him to know I've loved him too”, Arthur whispered with a single tear rolling down his face, “I never get to do that. I could never... give him anything back”  
A gentle hand brushed the tear from his cheek and Mr. Creek smiled encouraging at him, “I'm sure he knew. There are so many other ways to tell someone what they truly mean to you than by mere words. And whatever you did or said when you parted, I'm sure he knew well enough what you were trying to say”  
//There's something I never said to you. Thank you// The way Merlin had looked down at Arthur back then had been so full of emotion but only now was he able to read his expression. He had understood. Even unsaid things had not been left unsaid.   
Mr. Creek was still smiling. Arthur looked up at him, then his eyes flicked down to his pink lips.  
“I loved him so much”, Arthur whispered sobbing, still looking at the other man.  
“I know”  
To say Arthur didn't know why he then leant closer, kissing Mr. Creek, was pretentious. He knew exactly why he had done it. The pain, the memories, that man so much like the lost love right in front of him had built something up that had needed an outlet.  
It was a bit strange though that Jason Creek let him. He didn't move away, he didn't push him off, he simply let him kiss him, gentle but needy, but he was thankful.  
It was even more strange when he woke up the next morning to a softly snoring warm body in his bed. Arthur stared at the teacher who had gone with anything he had wanted the night before. He could still remember how they had started kissing in the pub, then had gone up holding hands but in silence to Arthur's flat and had joined their bodies in bed.  
The blond man ran a hand over his face and through his hair, looking down at the men sleeping beside him. It was weird how much alike he was to Merlin. How similar their sleeping positions were, of course Arthur knew Merlin's habits of sleep from all their shared nights under the stars, how much their hair looked and felt the same under his fingertips and how his slender frame curved neatly around tight muscles.   
Before he were to wake him up, he needed to make a call. He simply had to. If all the tingling sensations, the crash of the light bulbs in his own flat at their more intimate touches were any indication he had to make sure and ask Gwen.  
“What do you mean, you slept with Merlin?”  
“Someone who looks exactly like him and well, behaves like him and even has something that could be alike to magic”  
“That's... impossible.”  
“Is it?”, Arthur said disappointed, “Don't you think he could have come back?”  
He was so full of hope.  
He heard Gwen swallow through the phone, “Actually, no. it's not impossible that he's back, but that you actually found him”  
“What do you mean by that? Gwen? You said he KILLED himself!? And the letter...?”  
“Because it's the truth, he killed himself, he killed 'Merlin'. His soul is still there but... it's not Merlin, at least not with his memories... he... he gave them and most of his magic away”  
“Wait... what? I'm not sure I can follow you”  
“He gave his memories up so you would come back... and his magic... you know, everything comes with a price. Yours was his past”  
“My price?”  
“He couldn't stand it any longer. Waiting for you for hundreds and hundreds of years. You didn't see him, Arthur. He was drained, had become small and lifeless from a hopeless wait”  
“So he rather forgot... about me?”, Arthur swallowed soundly.  
“Just so you would come back to him, even though he couldn't be sure your paths would even cross again”  
“He made me come back?”  
“Yes, Arthur. You were all he ever wanted from life”  
Arthur heard footsteps walking up behind him and a yawn.  
“Already up?”, a sleepy Jason Creek was blinking at Arthur, who's eyes filled themselves with tears and he let the phone fell to meet Jason – no, Merlin – in a longing hug.  
“I've missed you”, Arthur whispered.  
Jason chuckled, “Oh, you left the bed, not me”  
Arthur clung to him, “Never leave me again”  
The teacher couldn't help a sigh escaping from his lips and he hugged him back, “I don't even know why but I really don't want to either”  
“Good”, Arthur smiled into his neck, closing his eyes.  
Good.


End file.
